Hello Shame

How to define shame

No one tells you all kinds of feelings come up when you’re healing. Especially healing in a time that is very unknown.

If anyone asks me:

What’s going on?

What’s my plan?

Where am I going?

Only thing I can truly say is:

I don’t know.

As the days progress, I see where I truly am mentally

And I am not okay.

No part of me is okay.

I don’t feel secure in any plans

I only know what I don’t want,

and I keep looking for someone — anyone — to tell me that’s enough.

I wish I could have an answer.

I wish I knew what I truly wanted.

I wish I did things different.

I wish I had a better plan.

I wish I didn’t put faith in a relationship that I thought would last, but knew deep down it wouldn’t.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Accepting that what I once knew, believed, and wanted isn’t me is the hardest thing to do.

Accepting that I don’t have all the answers is even harder.

I am broken.

I feel broken.

Honestly,

I wish I could just snap my fingers and fix myself.

But I can’t just make it disappear.

I have to sit in it.

Name the feelings.

Accept that even if everyone else isn’t validating me and my choices, doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

But what does that look like when you’re relying on your village more than ever.

When you feel like a disruption in someone else’s world.

When you simply just don’t have it in you to suck it up and go back to a life you wanted to die in.

The hardest thing is accepting the love that is shown to me. Mostly because I know there is only so much that can be given before it is too much.

Before I am too much.

Hello shame.

Shame is my word of the year. Shame of not having the answers. Shame for choosing myself while trying not to spill all of my shit and my responsibilities onto my family and friends.

Shame of knowing that trying to figure myself out in this process is also risking the chance of damaging relationships. Relationships that I have held so tightly to my chest while at the same time kept at some distance.

Hello Shame.

The hardest truth to face is I’m not okay.

Relying on my family and friends does not sit well with me.

I am the one who holds my family up. I am the one who shows up for everyone, especially when they have no one else. I am the one reassuring those that they will forever have a home with me.

But look at me now.

Hello shame.

This in-between feels like a punishment. Like I gassed myself up so much, I now have egg on my face.

Like I believed in myself so much that I’ve actually failed myself.

I feel like a failure.

Hello shame.

It’s a hard space to be in. Feeling shame while also keeping faith.

How do you do it?

How am I doing this?

Hello shame.

Shame, Shame, Shame.

Shame is present, but something else is too. Something that tells me continuously

Everything will work out.

Keep going.

Hello Shame.

You are on the right path

Hello Shame.

Things are working in your favor more than you know.

Hello Shame.

You are not a failure, this is not a punishment, you are not broken.

Hello Shame.

You are the sun, the stars, and the moon.

Goodbye Shame.