Life Has Been Lifing and I Am NOT Okay...

I mean, I'm alright…

I am alive and doing well… It's just things aren't aligning like I need them to in the timeline I need them to align.

Hold up…

Let's start from the beginning...

I am currently in a place of truly having to trust God and trust the process. I wish I could say I'm doing a good ass job at this, but really, I'm crashing out almost everyday. Internally… externally… all of it.

Why? You may ask.

Because I want what I want when I want it! (Throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old).

No but really, having to reshape, unlearn, and learn how I truly want to live life has been a battle. There has been a lot of shedding. A lot of waiting. A lot of… trusting.

Trust? What is that? (In my Cardi B voice).

But for real, being truly present in my everyday life. Not disassociating, not avoiding, and working on myself has made this healing process very wonky.

Trying to figure out what's real and what's not.

W I L D!

Trying to heal my nervous system.

PREPOSTEROUS!

Learning to not only forgive myself but those that have wronged me.

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS.

See, even just writing this, I… AM… C-R-A-C-K-I-N-G!

But if you ask me if this is all worth it. The answer would be yes.

Everyday I wake up, I learn something new about myself. Something that makes me fall in love with myself more and more.

You know what's that called. GROWTH.

I am evolving into someone who loves wearing shorts because I love my thighs. Someone who talks to random strangers on the street. Someone who will go to the park to cry rather than sit inside and stew in my sadness.

See… GROWTH.

Yall should be proud of me, because giving up is just a sneeze away.

I mean, I'm joking… but not really.

What's keeping me going?

My stubbornness and refusal.

I refuse to believe that this is my life. I refuse to believe that great things can't happen to me. I refuse to believe that I am delusional and that miracles can't happen.

I want to see some magic damn-it.

Sooooo… I'm doing the work. Because when the magic appears, I don't want to run away scared because I think it's a set up.

Yes… the old me would do that.

But for real though, I get why all of this is happening. I am very aware of the person I once was and I see why I couldn't bring that version of myself into this next chapter.

And there is no shame in that awareness. Just sadness for the girl I once was. Sadness that she had to endure so much just to get to this point. But again, I get it.

Before I made my grand entrance on this earth, I signed a contract, a contract I wish I had some lawyers and witnesses review. But a contract that stated my purpose. I often wonder why I agreed to the things I did, but I agreed and here I am.

Here I am trying to fulfill this contract with NO sense of understanding as to what the fuck I am truly supposed to be doing.

Each day is a doozy.

Hell I surprise myself more than I surprise the people in my circle.

I just know, I have a story that needs to be told and I need to tell it. Sooooo. Here I am (waving hi enthusiastically)

I think I will always say that healing isn't easy because often people see what's on the outside and never know the work that had to be done on the inside. Hell the person healing doesn't know until they're in it. This is all a cluster fuck full of tears, sadness, and awakenings.

But again, I will do it a thousand times again if it meant I would truly love myself… flaws and all.

So when we really think about it. I'm actually doing great. I just want the material rewards now. Like RIGHT NOW.

But in due time… or whatever the saying is (cue manic laugh).

Anyways… If you read this far… admit it, you like me.

But riddle me this… Are you going through a healing journey? How's it going for you? Don't make me feel like I'm the only one on the verge of knocking all this shit over.

No but for real… drop in the comments your thoughts. Check in with me.

Like I've said before… Take what you want and leave what you can!

Peace… XOXO Bri