I am NOT okay but I will be.

Yesterday my mom sent all her kids an email stating that she was letting us go. She expressed that she was honoring our need to go no contact and removing us from all shared subscriptions. She was also thinking about changing her number and moving to a different country. The thing is, that wasn’t what we wanted. It was her that initiated the no contact. It was her that chose to cut off her kids instead of having difficult conversations and holding herself accountable. All we wanted was a space to express ourselves and speak our truth. Instead we were called liars and told we were speaking bullshit.

For years my siblings and I would have major blow ups with my mom and be left with holding the bag of fault. We would be told that we lack common sense or don’t respect her. Having boundaries didn’t apply to her, only others around us. We weren’t allowed to be our true selves.

I explicitly told my mom that we wanted to be in community with her. That we wanted to have these difficult conversations because we didn’t want to carry around resentment and anger. We just wanted to resolve everything. But she took it all as an attack of her character. She took it as an attack on who she was as a mother. She repeatedly asked for examples of the things she’d done to hurt us and when we gave them to her, we were told they were bullshit or we’re remembering things wrong. Everything that we said was a lie while everything she said was the truth.

My family has a group chat where we send updates and give birthday shout outs. On my birthday it was silent. The Aunt that usually calls and sings me happy birthday didn’t and instead of receiving the usual text or phone call from the other Aunt I got a birthday comment under my sisters shout out to me on Facebook. My mom was worried about my siblings and I picking sides when it was her and her siblings doing it.

It’s crazy how setting boundaries and choosing myself is causing me to lose people I thought loved me. My mom is more sad about losing a relationship with my niece than her own kids. She doesn’t even acknowledge my sister anymore. To her, she’s the reason behind this tower moment. When in actuality my sister showed my brother and I that we had control over how people treat us. My sister gave us the courage to speak OUR truth. My sister gave us the courage to love ourselves.

Although this hurts, I know that everything happens for a reason. Whenever I pictured my future unfortunately my mom was never there and now I see why. This healing journey has taught me to cherish those that continue to show up with no conditions, those who choose to love me unconditionally and those that allow me to be my true self. All I want is a community full of love, respect, and peace. I want a community where everyone has consent to be their true selves but also holds themselves accountable.

Maybe one day my mother will find her way back to her kids. Maybe one day we can all sit down and have the healthy conversation my siblings and I want. But until then, I will continue working on myself. I will continue embracing those that continue embracing me. And I will continue loving myself each and every day.

What kind of community are you trying to build in order to be healthy?