What do I call you? Life...

September 2022 I took a family trip to St George Island. While on the trip, I frequently mentioned that things would be different for all of us once we left. I didn’t know what, I just knew it was going to happen. And I was right.

2022 was a shitty but enlightening year. I was depressed, jobless, and sleeping on my mothers couch the first half of the year and the second half mourning the loss of our relationship. I was lost in a fog, constantly praying for some reprieve. A fucking break.

Then he came along or should I say back? A lost love. A lover that once broke my heart. A love I thought was forever gone. But he came back. He came back and took care of me. He nurtured me, helped me, and even though he’s afraid to admit it…loved me.

He takes care of me more than anyone I’ve ever been with.

He feeds into me and I him.. At least, I hope so.

For the entire year of 2022 I prayed for a break. I prayed for less sleepless nights and eyes full of tears. I prayed for a break.

For a while, I wanted my old life back. I wanted to go back to how things were. When the money was flowing in and I was able to buy the things I wanted.

I prayed for the days where I didn’t have to bum a few nuggets from my friends or pay for things with my time instead of money.

I prayed for more yeses and less no’s.

I prayed for a change. A change that would get me back on my feet. Out of this life of needing.

But that came with sacrifices. Lost relationships. New identities.

That came with reframing my thinking, recognizing that no, I can not have the life that I had before because that would mean being the person I was before.

And no, I didn't want to go back to her.

Unable to express my emotions, unable to recognize my triggers, and not seeing my anxiety for what it is… anxiety.

No, the stories I tell myself are not real.

Yes I am loved and deserving of love..

Yes I lost a relationship with my mother in the process.

But no, I would not change anything that has happened.

I have found love. Not just in him. But in myself. Mostly within myself.

I see myself now. I see the woman that I strived to be. I see me.

I see the prayers prayed and the wishes granted.

I see the paths aligning and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I began 2023 with the same feeling I had in St George Island. That same knowing feeling that things are about to change this year.

I feel lighter.

I feel clearer.

I feel me.

I feel welcomed, loved, and understood.

I’ve learned what true friendship means and what a healthy relationship actually feels like.

I no longer feel afraid of consequences and okay with disagreements on how I choose to live my life. Because at the end of the day, it’s my life.

I set a goal.

I worked my ass off.

I am working my ass off…

My advice, stop wishing for the old you or how things were before. Wish for a better you and for you to be able to accept the good when it hits you. Wish for the ability to see the truth you need to see and accept it. Wish for the ability to continue on the path no matter how scary it may be.

Eventually life will align. Things will fall into place quicker than you think if you just believe and take a leap of faith. And know when to walk away.

I’m still learning to trust my instincts.

I am still learning to hear my voice instead of working about others opinions.

I am not perfect and far from healed.

But I’m moving on to another chapter in life.

I will continue to pray, venerate, and see life for what it is.

Nothing can be controlled, shifted, and forced.

Go with the flow.

Live your life.

Be present.

Accept what is for what it is.

Learn to let go even when it’s hard.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself.

Love to the fullest without fear even when it is scary.

Accept that relationships end.

Never give up on yourself.

You got this!