Community, Reconnecting, Joy, and Forgiveness

These past two weeks have been busy but full of so much love and community. I have been struggling on what to write about for Healing with Bri, mostly because I have yet to figure out which direction I’m taking it in. Which has led me to reminding myself, healing is not linear. You never know which direction healing will take you until you get there. A lot of my past has been resurfacing. Some memories are happy and some have been very sad. Which has knocked me off my feet a bit. I’ve been so ungrounded and guarded because I’m being triggered.

Four years ago I cut communication with my dad’s side of the family. Mostly because I was tired of being hurt and overlooked. I was tired of waiting for my dad to eventually choose his children and for my grandparents to stop hurting my feelings. I wanted to stop feeling judged for speaking the truth and be protected wherever I was. I needed to set boundaries and work on my anxiety and learn to love myself and my body. All of the things I wanted and needed had to be done without them in my life. For four years I carried around the guilt of choosing myself. People would ask me about my dad and when I responded “oh I don’t know, I don’t talk to him”, I’d hear “well that’s still your dad.” A phrase I’ve now come to loathe because although my dad is still my dad, he was not a healthy dad and I couldn’t keep overlooking that.

Last month, I was in the spirit of forgiveness. I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing, I just knew I had to listen to my gut and move without question. I didn’t know the night I laid in bed and forgave all of those that hurt me would lead me to crying my eyes out at my grandparents house and sharing a drink with my grandpa. I damn sure didn’t think it would lead my sister and I to my fathers house where he acknowledged us and our pain. Where he admitted that he needed to get right for himself and not us.

I missed my family. I miss the happy times. I just felt the bad was out weighing the good and I needed space. In the space away, I’ve learned to set boundaries and hold on to them. I’ve learned that others' judgment about me or my body doesn’t matter, only what I feel and say does. I learned that I am my own person and sometimes choosing yourself can feel like a punishment or like a bad decision when it’s really you seeing that you deserve more.

July isn’t over but already it has taught me that community and joy is important. I’ve had more pool days, girls nights, and parties than I’ve had in years. I’ve reconnected with more family members and gained more friends. My circle is expanding with people that I can grow with and learn from. July has also shown me that I now have to work on forgiving myself. With these reconnections and joyous moments there are triggers as well. A lot of the past is coming up and with that comes things that I once tried to push down and run from. Now being where I am at, I can no longer do that. I am facing facts while also trying to show myself grace. Soul forgiveness is hard but with grace and patience it makes it not impossible.

How has life been for you recently?