Note to Self: I’m Burnt Out Not Lazy.

A few months ago I saw a TikTok that said it takes 3-5 years to get out of feeling burnt out. After quitting teaching, I began to realize that I was truly burnt out. If you take a look at my resume or hear my work history you’d see from day one I’ve always worked my ass off. My freshman year of high school I got my first job and after that working was all I did. During the summers I either worked as a Teacher Assistant, babysitter, or paid intern in the HR department. Along with working I was also an overachiever when it came to academics. My sophomore year of high school I started dual enrollment classes at Georgia State University and in college I studied under a dual degree while working in the school library. By my fourth and fifth year of teaching I was Department Chair and earned Teacher of Distinction.

For years I overworked myself, fighting to achieve greatness and make as much money as I could. I was chasing the “American dream” everyone talked about. My thought around money was altered and I became extremely materialistic. In my eyes, the amount of money I had added to my value. The things I was able to do with my money added to my value. The places I was able to live added to my value. Hell it all defined my value. When I quit teaching my life took a turn financially and in my eyes it was a turn for the worst. I went from being able to buy what I wanted, live where I wanted, and do what I wanted to not being able to do anything. I had no money and that shit sucked. For a while I hated myself because I took away the thing that made me the happiest, my money.

But then I got time to rest and freedom to do whatever I wanted with no time constraints. I didn’t have to wake up early or follow a strict schedule. I could nap during the day and choose when I wanted to work. I saw money didn’t mean anything when it came to my freedom to live. I never had this much down time or rest. It took a while for me to get used to resting. At first I would beat myself up and force myself to do something. Mentally I felt like I was wasting time and being lazy. I had to fill my day with things to do. Eventually I began to realize that I was wrong. Resting was what I needed to do. My body needed it and most importantly my brain needed it.

Not overworking myself has taught me how to set boundaries with my time and has shown me that my old mindset was not healthy for me. When I think back to the way I used to live and move last year and years ago it feels like a different person. I don’t think I can ever go back to that lifestyle again. From the age of 14 to 28 I followed society's rules. Go to school, get a job, get promotions, and be an overachiever. I’ve lived the life of working in corporate offices, customer service, and education. I’ve paid my dues and came to realize that this really isn’t the life I want to live. I damn sure didn’t want to die as a teacher.

Now I’m in the spirit of truly learning who I am. Figuring out what I like to do and who I truly want to be. I wish we lived in a world where I didn’t have to make money to survive but unfortunately we do and it’s been hard. Mentally I can’t bring myself to apply to jobs that require more than I want to give. I can't find the energy, motivation, or stamina to work full time for any corporation. I honestly don’t know where life is taking me or how things will be a year from now. I just know that I am burnt out and choosing to take care of myself. I am choosing to do the things I love, which is creating and making as many joyous memories that I can. I am still learning to not base my value on my bank account but that shit is hard especially during this time frame. I do have to constantly remind myself that I am not a broke bitch and my money is on the way. I am listening to my body and spirit and not society. This isn’t an easy way to live but I am happier. If I could do anything differently, I would’ve learned how to be financially smarter. I would’ve saved more and spent my money on other things like traveling instead of luxury apartments.

Living on the other side of things has shown me how much our life is driven based on capitalism and misogyny. We are being trained to give and give into the economy without truly taking care of ourselves. We are constantly forced to dismiss that we are human and work ourselves to death to keep everything going for corporations that could give two shits about us. I want something different and I want to raise my kids to want something different. We don’t have to remain in the mold that society is trying to keep us in. I don’t have to follow the typical path in life in order to achieve happiness. I pray that my decisions continue to take me on the right path and eventually I get out of this rough financial patch. Life is so unpredictable so I’m taking it a step at a time.

If you didn’t have to work and could do anything in the world, what would you do?