Sorry I’ve Been Gone So Long - But Guess What, I’ve Been Learning Some Things

After leaving teaching, it has felt like my life and healing journey hit the ground running. For starters, I feel as if my spirit guides saw me waking up and was like lets get to work. Also, my ass has been impatient and has tried to rush a lot. Since moving out of my own place, staying with one of my parents for a few months, to now living with my cousin, life has been on super speed. For a while I didn’t know up from down, my left from right, or where the hell I was going. For a while it just felt as if I was on autopilot because what the fuck else is there to do. During all of this, I am learning A LOT of things about myself, for example, how I show up for myself and how I love myself. Also, I am learning - how to be a better friend, how to be vulnerable, and how to accept genuine kindness. I am learning about my mindset towards finances and materialistic things. Finally I am learning how to be patient, show myself grace, and let go of control. Often you think once you get it down the first time, you’re a pro at it. But life throws you curveballs and reminds you that healing really isn’t linear.

Recently, I have become more conscious about myself and what I need, especially about my mental health and body overall. For years I’ve had many hopes and dreams that have yet to arrive to me and mostly because I’ve had some growing up and healing to do. I’ve had to step back and look back in my past and reevaluate everything I once thought was true. I’ve come to realize that my inner child really needed a hug 😩.

Last Fall, when I began journaling, I also began meditating. I needed to clear my head and I wanted to stop living behind every excuse I made just to justify why I can’t and won’t do things. Like many, I thought I couldn’t meditate because I couldn’t get my mind to get quiet. Since I’ve begun meditating, I’ve learned that meditating is for you to center your thoughts. For you to weed through the anxiety and the fear to find the true words you need to hear. At first I meditated daily and just like journaling, meditating became my best friend. At first, I started off with 5 minute meditations and then eventually I pushed it to 10 minutes. After a while, I found myself sitting through 30 minute meditations. And just like with any new thing you start, it isn’t easy at first. I had to learn how to feel safe in my body. I had to know that I could relax and meditate and nothing bad would happen to me. I had to recognize that for a lot of my life, me and my body were not safe. Which led me down a road to forgiveness.

With forgiveness, I’ve really had to sit in my shit, own it, and forgive myself. I am learning that forgiving myself for all the things I’ve done or allowed is the key to truly loving myself. Often, we don’t recognize that we’re angry with ourselves. Our inner child and inner teens are pissed because if they knew what they did now in the past NONE of this shit would’ve happened. The life I chose to live would’ve probably been different. I probably would’ve been different. For a while, I was getting stuck in the past. Beating and berating myself over how “weak” and “stupid” I was. I was thinking if I hadn’t been so “naive” and had boundaries life would’ve been easier and less painful. I could not simply forgive myself because I wasn’t showing myself grace. I wasn’t taking in the full story. I wasn’t, like my cousin states often, finishing the story. I also had to accept that the past is the past. There is nothing I could change from the past. But I can do better presently. I can take the skills that I’ve learned and apply them to the now. Getting stuck in the past showed me how much I didn’t like myself and it answered the question I always wondered when meditating, where is my inner child?

Now that I’ve been doing more for myself. My inner child and inner teen have been more present. I’ve spent more days outside, in nature, and in someone’s pool than I have in years. I’ve made friends and strengthened friendships, I’ve reconnected with family, and I’ve remembered what it was like during the times where dating seemed more exciting than scary. Although I had a lot of great days and collected a lot of new memories. I had to also recognize that my inner child and inner teen are hurting and angry. My inner teen has thrown many internal tantrums while my inner child sat crying. Remembering the past opened up a lot of wounds that I could no longer ignore.

It’s crazy how it’s easier at times to forgive other people more than it is forgiving myself. When I make a mistake, I harp on it and carry that load with me everywhere. The hatred that I carry shows up in how I show up. Whether it’s friendships, relationships, or partnerships. It causes me to forget my light - forget who I am and why I’m so great. I am learning how to recognize myself around my mistakes. To see myself in a better light and believe that I deserve everything that I ask for.

Every new thing I am learning somehow becomes interconnected and intertwined with one another. I can’t heal one part of me without healing another. Healing how I viewed myself caused me to show up differently in my friendships. No longer am I showing up to prove I am worth keeping around or out of fear of rejection. No longer am I rejecting kindness and generosity. No longer am I rejecting the friends and family members that accept me for me and allow me the room to grow and evolve. No longer am I centering or evolving myself with people whose only intent is to control me so their lives are easier or how they want it. No longer am I doubting myself.

Learning to forgive myself is teaching me how to love myself more, which is also teaching me how to protect myself through boundaries. No longer am I crippling myself so others are comfortable. I have learned that speaking up for yourself or setting boundaries often puts you in a negative light. You are looked at as the black sheep, the shit starter, or the villain. You are casted aside and vilified to the point you barely recognize the person you are being accused of being. Ending relationships, whether it’s with a family member, significant other, or friend is hard. Seeing how my siblings and I, especially my sister, get treated for setting boundaries and showing up for ourselves is hard. Seeing my sister and brother in law grieve the lost of their son at the same time get shit thrown at them left and right is hard as fuck. Seeing my little brother try to find himself and learn how to hear his own thoughts is hard as fuck. Figuring out what next steps I’m going to take in life and owning who I truly am is hard as fuck. I am being met with a lot of shit I can’t control and surrendering has been hard.

Along with journaling and meditation, I picked up the practice of pulling tarot cards. I don’t pull as often as I did when I first started. I’m learning to take frequent breaks when I begin to get fixated on what I want to hear instead of what I need to hear. Without tarot and venerating my ancestors, I would definitely be floating through life aimlessly and more confused than I am. Reading tarot and venerating my ancestors is teaching me how to listen to my own voice and intuition. I am learning to trust myself more and act in my best interest. Because of my past co-dependent relationships, I’ve had to learn how to stop moving off of other people's reactions and words. I had to learn that I wasn’t stuck. That is how my life was and it isn't going to be the same later on down the road. When I wasn’t caught up in my past, I was damn sure caught up in my future.

I’ve been so caught on where I want to be that I often forget about where I am now. I am learning how to appreciate everything in the now even when it’s hard. I am finding what it means to be happy with what I have and see the beauty even through the storm. I am learning that I need to show myself grace and stop trying to speed things up just to get back to taking care of myself again.

Changing careers without a solid plan wasn’t the best idea but I knew if I stayed another year, I would have never left. I had to leave no matter what and I did. Did I think I’d end up having to move out of my place or need help financially? No. But I knew it would lead me to a life of happiness and freedom. Making the drastic, sporadic change to leave teaching showed me how I put a lot of who I was into my career and materialistic things. It showed me how afraid of money I was and how my relationship with money was toxic. The security I thought I had with money was only a coping mechanism, a skill picked up out of lack and fear. I forgot who I was because my money and accolades spoke for me. I found my confidence in how people saw my life on paper instead of who I truly was. I had to learn how to see all the good things people who loved me saw in me. Overall I had to learn how to fall in love with myself and my shadow side that I tried to keep hidden for years.

All of these lessons took a toll on me and often I asked myself why the hell I was doing all of this and I often reminded myself because I wanted something different. I didn’t want the trauma from my childhood and overall life to keep being my narrative. I wanted to ensure that when it was time for me to be a mother that I wasn’t repeating toxic patterns and I was showing up as my true self. I wanted to stop fighting with people and shedding tears of sadness and disappointment. I wanted to feel complete without needing another person or things in my life. I wanted change. Acknowledging, accepting, and learning from all this pain is helping me heal. It’s helping me over this difficult mountain called life. It’s keeping me going.

Healing has not been easy and has kept me blocked. It has kept me in the mindset of feeling like a failure when in actuality I’m one of the bravest people I know. I am learning that I can’t keep trying to show up how others show up. Oftentimes I need breaks and rest. Oftentimes I need time to regroup and find myself. And oftentimes I need time to remember why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Last month I began reading prayers from a book titled Ancestor Paths: Honoring our Ancestors and Guardian Spirits Through Prayers, Rituals, and Offerings written by Aladokun. These prayers are helping me center and ground myself. Because I was so stuck in the past and the future, I often forgot about my present life and these prayers reminded me of that. Being present is a lot harder than I thought. I’ve always been in the mindset that continuous work brings rewards when sometimes all the work you need to do is focus on yourself. Learning how to slow down and be in the moment takes practice and again, grace.

Things take time. Life takes time and a lot of the time you can’t control it. A lot of times, you have to sit back and focus on the now. I am learning that what is for me will find me and will not require me to go searching for it. I just have to be open and ready to receive everything when the time comes. I can’t keep praying for something that I won’t be able to appreciate when I get it, so I have to learn how to appreciate it now. I have to prepare myself.

I am continuously preparing myself by taking care of me and making sure I am good. For a while, I put off working out and eating right because I had to redefine my definition of being healthy. I had to want to be healthy for myself and not because of others' judgment. I’ve had to learn how to truly love my body in the here and now. Taking breaks and allowing myself time to figure things out always help in the long run. Now when I think of taking care of my body it feels right and healthy. I have learned that our body stores a lot of trauma and I can feel my body ready to release it all.

Taking time away from Healing with Bri allowed me time outside my head. It’s allowed me time to evaluate all that has happened since last year and take in the positive outcomes that have come from it all. Learning to forgive myself is allowing me to accept all of me including my shadow side. I am learning that getting rid of your shadow side is not the answer. The true answer is knowing how to live with, love, and truly accept your shadow self.

Overall, life in these recent months has not been a walk in the park and has been full of a lot of storms. But the rain has definitely been watering and helping me grow. The relationships that I’ve lost have been for the best of me and those involved. Seeing myself, showing up for myself, allowing myself the space to be me, and not getting caught up on feeling stuck has helped me a lot. I am grateful for my ancestors and my spirit guides. I am grateful for God. I am grateful for those that have helped me financially and I am grateful for those that have helped me spiritually and mentally. I am grateful for myself for continuing this fight. These lessons I am learning are keeping me alive.

People pleasing has been my biggest flaw in life. I’ve allowed people to control how I’ve moved. I’ve allowed words and opinions to get to me and control my life. To me, everyone’s answer was always better than mine. I’ve had little faith in myself. Now I am learning that my voice, my opinion, and my answers are really the only thing that matter. I have lived my life considering everyone’s feelings. I have set aside my boundaries just to appease other people and I’m tired of it. I’ve found myself crying more tears and being more disappointed when I don’t listen to my damn self. I am ready to hear my own voice. I’m ready to stop stressing about other people's reactions and thoughts about me. I can not control that because people will think what they want no matter what I do.

I am okay with being painted as the vindictive, fake daughter, that would rather ruin my relationship with a parent than continue to keep having a repeat of toxic controlling moments. I am okay with being the difficult girlfriend that will set a boundary on how you speak to her no matter if it seems like I’m trying to be controlling. And I am okay with seeming like a “know it all” when I decide to state my opinion and it makes you question shit. I am not a perfect person and I do not expect anyone to be perfect. What I do expect is space to be myself. Space to say what I want and what I feel as long as I’m being respectful and helpful. My mission in life is not to control anyone or be controlled. My mission in life is not to lie or constrict myself just to appease anyone. And my mission in life is not to make everyone happy. If I am not okay, then no one will be. If I am not happy, content, and at peace, then no one will be. I don’t want that kind of energy in my life no matter what relationship we have.

Having time away from the classroom has shown me all the potential I could’ve had if I was in a better space mentally. If I had the tools I have now, I would’ve either known to leave sooner or stayed until I retired. If I had the confidence I have now, I would’ve spoken up for myself more instead of muting myself to keep the peace. I am learning how to trust myself more and I am seeing that sometimes the easy decisions aren’t the right decisions. I wish I could take the easy route at times. Say fuck it and jump out there but sometimes that jump comes with consequences. I am learning to plan and be patient, to be spontaneous but also smart about it. To know when to let things go or when to hold on to it.

Friendship and community has helped me a lot during this time. Having friends and family you can actually go to and grow from the conversation is a treat within itself. I have learned so much about living just through the people I keep in my circle and in my life. Repairing my relationship with my sister took years but I’m grateful for that time because we’re now best friends. I enjoy surrounding myself with people that accept me in every which way and who love me no matter what. Our love and friendship is unconditional. We don’t require anything but mutual respect and understanding. We are allowed to be our true selves without judgment or fear of being abandoned or forgotten about. We are all learning how to have difficult conversations and actually say what needs to be said. Spending time with my friends and family this summer has taught me how to be softer and open. I am willing to be vulnerable because I am tired of doing this shit alone.

Overall I am tired of feeling weak and broken. I’m tired of feeling like I will never get all the things I hope for because…why not? I am just simply tired of all this shit. I am learning how to speak abundance into my life because I deserve it and I need to believe I deserve it.

Currently I am reading Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler. I have not finished reading but where I am so far has got me geared and also nervous. I feel as if I know where this book is about to take me but also I don’t. This is how I feel about my life right now. Each day something new can happen that will change the course of my life but I won’t know what until I live it. I guess that’s what being present is huh? Not focusing on the past or future but just preparing for each day. Grounding yourself for whatever changes may come and striving to do better the next day. I don’t have it all figured out but I like where I’m going. No matter how much I’ve planned my life and set goals, nothing has turned out exactly how I planned it. Did I plan to leave teaching, yes, but did I expect it to wake me up and see how I was living before really wasn't the life I was supposed to live, no. I didn’t expect to lose the relationships that I have lost and gain the relationships that I have now.

Every day is not easy and healing is not sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes healing looks like hell and feels like it’s impossible but it’s not. I am ready to get to the point of peace, contentment and completion but I know that’s going to take time because it has taken me years to get to where I am now. Every experience in life has taught me a lesson and has shown me things I was too afraid to see. It has allowed me to rediscover my voice. For a while I wondered where my voice had gone and I realized, nowhere, it was right where I needed to be. I just had to use it. Not everyone is supposed to like you, not everyone is supposed to agree with you and not everyone is supposed to validate you. I am learning that I have to validate myself because if I don’t I will only believe in others and their words… Forgetting about myself altogether.

I would love to hear your opinion about this post and for you to add on with anything that you have learned about yourself recently.