Standing at the Starting Line

Feb 6, 2022

I didn’t realize starting Healing with Bri would be so triggering.. Over the years, I found myself not acknowledging my feelings, red flags, and overall intuition. I silenced my gut instincts and blamed my discomforts on my anxiety. I ignored the answers I was given because it didn’t match the answers I wanted.

Over the past few months, way before this new year, I had begun the journey of healing. When I tell you this journey has kicked my butt a thousand times over, it has gobbled me up and spit me out each and every day. I have learned and unlearned so much about myself and there is still more to go. Each day I struggle with grieving the girl I once was and accepting the woman I am now. Each day I wake up learning how to truly love myself, take care of myself, speak up for myself… see myself. For so long, I had gotten stuck in the mindset of keeping things to myself, pushing through and hoping that things will change on their own. Asking God for guidance ignoring what he was showing, what my intuition was telling me. I was making changes with my life but not the necessary ones. Not the changes that guaranteed the life I actually wanted.

Since I can remember, I’d always wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to create a new life that was better than my past life. A life that didn’t include yelling or hitting my kids, dismissing their feelings, lying to them to save face, or choosing substances over them. I wanted to have a family where my kids were safe, I was safe, and I had a partner that truly loved and cared about me. I wanted a family that worked as a team and always had each other's backs. I wanted to be the best mother I could be for my kids so they wouldn’t grow up like me. So they wouldn’t have a life like mine. I couldn’t do any of that with the mindset I had, so things had to change. I now come to terms that although this dream stemmed from my mother wounds and my overall trauma in life, it is still a dream I want. Just for different reasons. A reason not centered around pain and loss.

The way I was moving through life was out of desperation. Desperation to get out of the life I was in to get the life I had been envisioning for years. I wanted to ignore all my problems hoping the little work I was doing was preparing me for my future. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve known I was nowhere close to that dream. I wasn’t even at the start line.

For 6 years I dedicated my life to teaching, before that it was school, and jobs over the summer. I’ve lived so many lives at such a young age, no wonder I’m fixing shit now. The true things I was supposed to learn when I was a child, I am now learning at 28. I am thankful that I am learning and unlearning at this young age because if I was 50 going through this it would be a lot harder. I was trying to make it through life with coping skills that were dated and toxic. I was scarily unhappy and thought things would get better eventually because I was a good person and I did good things. Now whenever I hear the phrase “good person” I laugh because it makes me ask myself each time, what does it truly mean to be a good person? Looking at how I chose to live life, I wasn’t a good person. I was a scared person, hoping that if I did the right thing or made everyone around me happy they wouldn’t get mad at me. I wouldn't get yelled at. I wouldn’t have to fight them. I chose “family” and boys over great friends, I promised my time and energy to people even when my cup was damn near empty, and I forced myself to bite my tongue and swallow my feelings in order to keep the peace. The good person I thought I was, was in denial that she needed to grow up. She was in denial that hiding wasn’t a life to live and wasn’t a life meant for her to live. I realized that I was dimming my light more and more out of fear, judgment, confrontation. I shut down, stormed away, and ghosted people because it was easier than facing the pain they could potentially cause. I had become a pro at being a coward.

June 2021, I had sunken to the lowest of lows. One night, I wrote a letter to God telling him that I had given up. I had given up on the dream I had been envisioning. All the things I thought I wanted, I threw out the window. The life I saw at a young age was only a fairy tale. This love that I was receiving from this man was all I was going to get. All I was worth. I told him that the love I was seeking was never going to come from my husband so I’ll just get it from my kids. I’ll have his babies and raise them to be better, to want better. I had given up on what was better for me. In my mind, what I truly wanted didn’t matter and didn't exist.

I was tired of searching. I was tired of waiting. I was trying to rush a life that I wasn’t ready for. A life that wasn’t meant to be done with the person I was with. And God, the universe and my Ancestors showed me that. From June 2021 to now, I’ve had to reevaluate my goal in life, my decisions, and who I am. I’ve had to relearn what it truly means to love yourself.

Ending that relationship, leaving teaching, and working on myself is preparing me for better things. This journey is scary, nerve racking, and triggering. However, it’s also fun, exciting, and eye opening. That dream that I thought I gave up that night in June, is still within me. I just know now that I have to do the work in order for it to truly become real.

Although my healing journey began in 2021, creating Healing with Bri is me standing at the start line. For months I’d been stuck in a fog, unaware of who I was, what I wanted, and where I was going. I’m not going to lie, I’m still a bit confused and even though I’ve made some plans, I know that things will change. At this point in my journey, I am finding clarity. I am seeing through the fog and the light at the end of the tunnel is visible again. Even though I am excited about where life is taking me, I am scared shitless because I know it's going to be rocky. But I know doing the work is the reward overall. Changing for myself, growing as a human being, and making sure I add greatness to the world instead of more trauma is the reward.

So I leave you with this question…

When did you notice it was time for a change?